I have always been a shy kind of girl, who prefers to be alone and keeps to herself most of the time. For as long as I can remember, I have never started a conversation with a stranger, never been the star of a party, never liked attention and never spoke loud. I have a very small circle of friends who are very close to me and love me for what I am. With them, I dint even need to speak to be heard!
But my life has changed by leaps and bounds since I was a shy teen-ager! I got married to a complete stranger in the name of arranged marriage. I had to start to actually speak out what I felt or what I wanted and that was fine by me. However, our interests and passions are so different from each other that my husband wouldn’t get a lot of stuff about me even if I spoke it out. It was then that I started to loose my temper and started to raise my voice.
It went to an extent where the sound of my own voice drowned my thinking capacity. I didn’t care about what I was talking or if it even made any sense. I would simply shout at people and then ask them why they aren’t able to understand me! This went on and my friends and family were so worried for me. They used to beg me to low down my voice but it would only enrage me even more.
Then kayal came into my life and everyone (including me) thought that it would change me. That wasn’t the case though. By then I had gotten used to shouting out my opinions and thoughts that I dint spare even my kid. In many instances, I would scream at my baby girl to stop her from doing something or to get her to stop fussing. It would scare her out of her skin and she would start to cry uncontrollably. I would start to feel so sorry for her and hate myself for not controlling my voice.
Anyway, I have started to meditate and follow a few other simple exercises to control my anger and thus my voice. I have started to be more soft and patient with my baby girl. She has changed me for good in a lot of ways and this is another one of them! Now that I have started to speak more slowly and softly, I have come to realise that, voice is only heard! Only words are listened to.